New Moms Need Love, Too

by Dr. Barrie Morganstein

As a new mom, I am learning firsthand how hard it is to take care of a baby and take care of myself (not to mention also taking care of a husband and a dog). I have always been notoriously bad at getting to bed at a reasonable hour and my baby’s arrival has made it even worse. With our little bundles depending on us, our good health is even more important; here are some things that new moms can do to manage stress and feel good:

· Get out of the house. After my baby was born, I stayed in the house a lot. Although I needed the rest and recuperation, I definitely found myself going stir-crazy. Getting out of the house -- whether its outside for fresh air or to the mall -- will do a lot to lift your spirits and invigorate you.

· Get some exercise. As hard as it is to get up off the couch and as tired as you are, get moving. Walking slowly on the treadmill, doing a light yoga class, or even just stretching in your living room, moving your body will make you feel better physically and mentally.

· Keep in contact with friends. It can be helpful to speak to your friends and commiserate about your new parenting trials and tribulations. However, it can be just as helpful to simply talk about girl-stuff. Being a mom is just one of our many roles, so we may find pleasure in discussing things other than the kids (such as what happened on The Real Housewives of New York).

· Don’t be afraid to say “no”. We often try to be superheroes and take on too many obligations. The added strain and fatigue that comes with baby care makes you more vulnerable to stress and emotional overload. Nicely explain to others why you are not able to take on a certain project – supportive people will understand.

· Ask for help. Women are capable of a lot, but even Wonder Woman had a sidekick (not to mention help from the rest of the Justice League). Don’t be afraid to ask your Superman for help with whatever you need, whether it be baby’s bedtime, laundry, bills, etc.

· Remind yourself what a great job you are doing. We are often our worst critics; chances are you are not only keeping up with your new babe, but excelling in your new role.

· Get help if you need it. If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed, talk to someone. Let your significant other, family member, or friends, know that you need some extra encouragement. A psychologist or counselor can also be a valuable addition to your support-network. 

Dr. Barrie Morganstein is a psychologist and new mom at Southeast Psych.  You can contact her at 704-552-0116.

Parenting Stress: How to Take Care of Yourself

by Dr. Amanda McGough

You know the saying, “If mama isn’t happy then nobody is happy.” There is some truth to this old adage and it applies to fathers too. It’s easy for parents to focus all of their attention and energy on their children and family and neglect to take care of themselves. However taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your family. It’s a lot like the emergency landing instructions that you get on airplanes. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first in order to be able to help others. Here are some tips for taking care of yourself.

1) Do one thing every day that makes you happy. You deserve and need time for your own enjoyment. Carve out at least 15 to 30 minutes a day where you are doing something that you enjoy that’s just for you.

2) Know your limits and stick to them.  It is okay to multitask sometimes, but we also need to know when enough is enough. Cut back on things that aren’t necessary and make your life more manageable.

3) Practice what you preach. You help your kids eat a balanced diet, get enough sleep, encourage them to be physically active and take care of any illnesses they have. You need to take care of your physical needs as well. Poor nutrition, sleep deprivation, lack of physical activity and illness are all vulnerability factors to stress.

4) Put things in perspective.  It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day and think that everything is important. Step back and take a look at what really matters to you. This will help you let go of little stressors and annoyances and instead focus on the big picture.

5) Remember you are a role model.  By taking good care of yourself and managing your own stress you are setting a positive example for your children. Good self-care brings happiness to the whole family.

Dr. Amanda McGough is a licensed psychologist with Southeast Psych in Charlotte. She treats children, adolescents and adults.

Violent Video Games Do Not Cause Violence in Most Children

by Frank Gaskill, Ph.D.

Parents continue to ask me on a regular basis if playing violent video games will cause their children to be violent.  The answer is usually, "no."  Most kids--millions and millions of them--will have no increases in any meaningful long-term violent behavior because they played Modern Warfare 2 or other violent games.

In a recent Reuters article, one expert noted, "Recent research has shown that as video games have become more popular, children in the United States and Europe are having fewer behavior problems, are less violent and score better on standardized tests."

However, this doesn't mean that it is always a good idea to let your child play violent video games.  You have to take developmental maturity into consideration (i.e., your 7-year-old might not be ready to play Halo Reach when it comes out, but your 14-year-old probably will be), as well as your own child's unique temperament and personality traits.  Parents need to know their child and make specific judgments about whether it is good for him or her to play.  Engage your child, play video games with them--or at least show interest in observing from time to time--and talk non-judgmentally about them. 

Here are some likely risk factors for negative reactions to video games include the following:

1.   Low tolerance for frustration - If your child gets very quickly overheated and can't manage upsetting emotions well, especially when compared to other kids of the same age, then it's probably wise to limit the exposure to certain types of games.

2.  Frequent depressed or dark moods - If your child is prone to dark moods, isolation, or feelings of hopelessness. By the way, if this is true, you will probably want to consider seeking out professional help for them, as well.

3.  Indifferent to the feelings of others - Lack of empathy and lack of remorse are big risk factors that should not be ignored.

4.  Often breaks rules or promises to others - Again, you need to compare this to other children of the same age, but if your child breaks rules more frequently than his or her peers, especially big rules or does things that may negative affect other people (stealing, bullying, etc), then you will want to set some limits on certain types of gaming.

The best analogy I have heard thus far is that of a peanut allergy.  Most people aren't allergic to peanuts, but a few are.  The vast majority of kids who play video games are doing great, but a select few are “allergic.”  If you are allergic, then just don’t play or let your kids play.  At the very least, limit their exposure to too much gaming if your child has any of the risk factors.

Dr. Frank Gaskill is a licensed psychologist at Southeast Psych who works with children and their parents.  One of his specialties is helping parents understand and skillfully navigate the new technologies that are part of their children's daily lives.

How Parents Can Help a Teen Through a Loss

by Nyaka Niilampti

Many young people have had limited experiences with death. Typically it comes in the form of the loss of a grandparent or an older family member. Less frequently, it comes in the form of the loss of a peer, which often results in complicated emotions for both teens and their parents.

The loss of a friend, classmate, or peer can result in a loss of the sense of safety for young people. Despite what we know about the stages of grieving, the processing of grief is a highly individual experience, and each child or teen will deal with it in his or her own way.

There are a number of common reactions to loss including sadness, panic and anxiety, a fear of death, denial, guilt, shame, anger, poor concentration and confusion. There are also a number of ways parents can offer assistance following a loss. Here are a few suggestions for how parents can help:

Be available. It is common to be uncomfortable talking about death or loss. Even with that discomfort, make sure that your child is aware that you will be open to that conversation. Letting them know that you are available for questions, conversations, or simply silence will be encouraging. Some children will need to process their grief by talking, while others process their grief differently. Send a note, or write a card, both right after the event as well as after some time has passed to let them know the option is still open. Communicating your availability will help them be more comfortable approaching you when that time comes.

Encourage them to communicate with their friends. Some adolescents may be uncomfortable reaching out to adults. Communication with peers and friends may provide an additional and necessary support, particularly those in the same community and teens may be more able to share their emotions with peers than with adults.

Listen. Allow them to tell their stories, including their favorite memories of that person. Use open questions or prompt them with, “Tell me about…” Ask what they would like to remember most about the person they have lost.

Create a ritual. A memorial service is an important ritual that helps families and individuals grieve a loss. There can be other, less formal rituals that help young people grieve the loss. Encourage and allow them to participate in rituals or find their own way to say goodbye. This may include doing something individually or with a group.

Be supportive and patient. Don’t try to “fix” the situation or offer reassurance that this will not happen again. Talk openly and honestly with them, then validate their experience. Encourage them to share their feelings, but don’t push them. If you have had similar experiences, share those; however, keep in mind that even with similar experiences, it is impossible to know exactly how they may feel. Let them know there is no “right way” to grieve the loss, and that the difficulty they may be experiencing is normal. Encourage them to be patient with themselves and to take time to heal.

Keep an eye out for drastic changes. Significant changes in behavior patterns, eating, or sleeping, may be indicators that they are not coping well with the loss, and may be in need of additional support.

Encourage self care. While it may seem simple, encourage them to do the necessary daily tasks and activities. Eating and sleeping on as much of a “normal” schedule as possible will help them feel more secure.

With time and support, most children and teens will cope with and process the death of a classmate or peer and resume their regular activities. However, be open to the possibility that your child may need additional support to help them process this loss. If you notice they are not able to cope with their daily activities, isolating themselves from friends and family, or other significant noticeable changes, suggest that they speak with a professional as a means of gaining additional support.

Editor's Note: Nyaka Niilampti is a psychologist at Southeast Psych in Charlotte. She has a Ph.D. from Temple University, a master's in sports psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill, and a bachelor's degree from Princeton. Before coming to Southeast Psych, she has worked in university counseling centers, secondary schools, and community mental health centers.

Preparing Your Freshman for College

by Nyaka Niilampti

All over the country, families are planning their last of the summer vacations; back to school ads will soon bombard your Sunday paper. For most kids—and parents—the return of the school year presents both excitement and new challenges. For those who will be sending students off to college for the first time, emotions may be mixed.

The first year of college presents a number of new opportunities, and with new experiences come new challenges, new fears, and new anxieties. Regardless of which party states that they will feel the greatest relief when cars are unpacked and the goodbye hugs, waves (and for some, tears) ensue, both parties will feel some appropriate degree of anxiety.

There are a number of ways parents can be more proactive in helping psychologically prepare their child for college and aid in the transition and adjustment.

1. Communicate your concerns. Have a conversation about some of the things that you are concerned they will encounter. While the communication should not be with the motivation to inspire fear, don’t be naïve. College will entail both positive and negative experiences. Communication should include concerns about drug and alcohol use, sexual relationships, encountering diversity, and moral challenges. Beginning a conversation with your student about some of these concerns will hopefully open up a dialogue that will prepare them as well as present the opportunity for parents to have some of their fears reduced.

2. Encourage them to be prepared to ask for help. Even the most well adjusted and adaptable student will be thrown for a loop at some point during their first few months, whether with a roommate, in the classroom, or outside of campus. Many of the students who enter college were the stars and highest achievers in high school, and may not have had significant experiences with needing help. With your encouragement, they can learn that asking for assistance is an indicator of growth and maturity, not a sign of weakness.

3. Encourage them to ask for help early. Many students defeat themselves by asking for help when it’s too late, or when they are past the point of more minor intervention and are in “crises mode”. Instructors will be more open if they are approached a month before a major exam or assignment is due; tutoring is more helpful the earlier in the semester you begin; counseling can help you learn to balance before you become so overwhelmed that you begin to skip classes or isolate yourself.

4. Encourage them to use the resources. College is one of the only times that students will have access to so many free (well, included in their tuition payment, room and board) services. Most university campuses have counseling centers, where students have access to free—or mostly free—individual and/or group therapy. There is also the learning and writing center, career services, and disability services. Students can receive tutoring, have papers edited, learn to correctly use APA style, have their resumes critiqued, perfect their interview skills, and gain support for a previous diagnosis such as ADHD or a learning disability.

5. Encourage them to advocate for themselves—don’t do it for them. Two of the developmental tasks of college students are achieving competence and becoming autonomous. Help your college student develop these skills by making suggestions or offering possible strategies. Encourage them to meet with their advisors or professors or to seek out support services themselves before calling the Counseling Center or the Dean of the department for them.

6. Encourage them to become involved—but not too involved. Higher education research shows that social integration contributes to retention. Most institutions have hundreds of campus organizations, including volunteer opportunities. Encourage them to find a group that appeals to them to become involved, but also encourage them to pace themselves. There are always opportunities for involvement, and without a good balance, it’s possible to spend so much time with organizations and involvement that academics are neglected.

7. Encourage them to be open—to new experiences, new groups, new ideas. College is about growing, and what they enjoy in college may be different from activities and peers from high school. There will be opportunities available on a college campus that you may have never thought to become involved in, which go beyond athletics or the traditional sorority or fraternity. Encourage them to find a new activity that they may be even slightly interested in and attend one meeting; they may find that they enjoy it more than they thought or it may not be a good fit. If nothing else, they have been exposed to something new, and may meet new people in the process.

The transition to college can be both exciting and daunting. Be prepared to offer support and encouragement as they make the adjustment. Even though they attended orientation and grabbed almost all of the “important” information, more than likely they have not read much—or any—of it and will need your guidance in pointing them in the right direction.

Editor's Note: Nyaka Niilampti is a psychologist at Southeast Psych in Charlotte. She has a Ph.D. from Temple University, a master's in sports psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill, and a bachelor's degree from Princeton. Before coming to Southeast Psych, she has worked in university counseling centers, secondary schools, and community mental health centers.

Ten Traits of Great Parents

by Dave Verhaagen

In writing my book, Parenting the Millennial Generation, I interviewed excellent parents to find out what separated them from the rest. Some of what I found was expected, but some of it surprised me. Here’s what I found about the really great parents:

1. They Have Vision for Their Child’s Character – they think about the character traits they value—things like honesty or compassion or courage—and they work to instill these qualities in their child.

2. They Parent Each Child Uniquely — they don’t use a one size fits all approach to parenting. They realize that each child has a unique temperament with unique needs and they parent each child accordingly. They don’t follow cookie cutter steps or rigid formulas.

3. They Don’t Parent for an Audience — they don’t make parenting decisions based on what the neighbors—or their parents or other family members—will think, but on what is best for their child.

4. They Trust Their Instincts — they realize that parenting requires making good decisions based on their gut rather than always needing expert or outside opinions.

5. They Have a Warm & Firm Style — they have the great ability to be warmly involved with their children while still keeping good limits and boundaries.

6. They Co-Parent Well — they communicate, collaborate, and share the same parenting values as their spouse or parenting partner.

7. They Keep Short Accounts — they don’t hold grudges or stay resentful with their children. They do their best to deal with a situation and then let it go without holding it over their child’s head.

8. They Think Win-Win — they try to work out solutions to conflicts with their child where everybody wins, especially with older teens who need practice in making their own decisions.

9. They Have Family Rituals and Traditions — they have daily, weekly, and annual rituals and traditions that give the family a sense of stability, predictability, and safety.

10. They Enjoy Their Kids — they work hard to have fun with their children and enjoy their time with them, even when the kids are driving them crazy!

Parents and Your Child's Academic Success

Most parents want to help their child be successful in school. However, as a child ages and changes, the ways you help may also change.

During elementary school, a healthy parent-teacher relationship is essential to keep up with how your child is doing academically. Helping with homework and being supportive of their school work on a daily basis is also vital during this period of time.

However, this dynamic changes once a child reaches middle school. Now, kids now have multiple teachers, their interests are evolving, and most notably, they are going through puberty. Obviously, children in puberty undergo massive physical and mental changes becoming more adult-like, but not yet fully mature.

So what's a parents role in helping a middle schooler or high schooler be successful in school? A recent study conducted by Nancy E. Hill PhD, of Harvard University, assessed different styles of parental involvement with middle school children and their academic drive. According to Hill, during the middle school years, “Teens are starting to internalize goals, beliefs, and motivations and [they] use these to make decision. Although they may want to make their own decisions, they need guidance from parents to help provide the link between school and their aspirations for future work.” In other words, young teenagers need to do most of it themselves, but they still need help making the connection between hard work in school and a future payoff.

It is this emphasis on academic achievement and how it relates to potential life goals that seems to have the greatest influence on these maturing students. For many, friends become a higher priority, diminishing one’s focus on homework. From an early adolescent’s perspective, parental involvement in academics can be more or less embarrassing or annoying.

So, as a parent, you may need to be less involved in the your child's day-to-day school performance, but you still have an important role in helping him or her see the important relationship between future aspirations and academic success. If you do it the right way, without being or overbearing, your child is likely to internalize this connection and establish a drive to do well in school.

By: Emma Kate Wright and Mara Ivey

APA Press Release. May 19, 2009. “Tying Education to Future Goals May Boost Grades More Than Helping with Homework, Research Finds.” www.apa.org/releases/eduction-goals.html

Does My Child or Teenager Need Therapy?

For parents, it’s often tough to know when your child needs outside help. There are so many questions: Is it just a phase? Is it normal for his or her age? Am I overreacting? Children and teens can have emotional, academic, or behavioral problems of all kinds and the research says that many people who need help never receive it. It will always be a judgment call, but here are four guidelines to help you know if you should seek counseling for your child or teenager:

1. The problem negatively affects your child’s functioning in school, home, or the community.

2. The problem is causing you or your child significant distress.

3. The problem has not gone away with other efforts, such as changes in parenting strategies, consequences, etc.

4. If the problem does not improve, there is the potential that it could cause negative effects now or later in life, such as academic failure, relationship problems, addiction, and so on.

Also, it’s usually wise to listen to your child if he or she requests outside help. If you read these guidelines and you are still not sure, it may be a good idea to schedule a one-time consultation with a therapist to see if counseling might be indicated. In a later post, we’ll give some guidelines for selecting a good therapist for your child.

Top Ten Warning Signs of Teen Drug Abuse

Some parents are shocked to learn that their teen is using drugs.  Short of catching them using, there is no guaranteed way to know, but here are some signs that often point to drug abuse:

1.  Hanging out with sketchy friends - especially friends who have a reputation for being drug users.  It's hard to be close friends with drug users and not use yourself.

2.  Paraphernalia - it would be rare to find paraphernalia (pipe, bong, rolling papers, scales, etc.) without any personal drug use.

3.  Fascination with drugs - online searches, conversation, excessive interest in drug-themed movies all are often associated with personal use..

4.  Declines in school performance and general motivation - especially when the drop in grades is not characteristic of past performance; especially true when it can't be explained by some other reason.

5.  Physical signs - red eyes, physical disorientation, smelling like smoke or unusual odors.

6.  Attempts to cover tracks - Visine, Niacin, drinking excessive amounts of water, locked boxes and compartments, and so on.

7.  Secretiveness and dishonesty - not being forthcoming about where they were, who they were with; outright lying when asked direct questions, especially about where they were, who they were with, what they were doing.

8.  Funny money - having unexplained cash, going through cash quicker than expected, family members missing cash, etc.

9.  Mood swings - more than normal adolescent mood changes.

10. Weird sleep - sleeping too much, up all night, especially if it is a different pattern than in the past.

Even though these are some of the top indicators, it is still possible for your teen to be using substances without showing many of these signs.  On the other hand, just because he or she may be showing some of these symptoms, it doesn't mean your child is definitely using drugs.  If you are not sure, it may be a good idea to seek some consultation.