Are You Living with "Pregret"?

by Dr. Jonathan Anslow

Some might figure that, as a psychologist, it’s part of my job to validate the whole spectrum of emotional experience for people. I guess in a way I agree with that, but only to a point. While we all struggle with a whole slew of emotional states, both positive and negatively charged, some of them are simply unworthy of validation. In particular, I think regret is an utterly useless emotion – a waste of one’s emotional energy. Such a fixation on woeful events chains us to our past and prevents us from moving on. We need to learn to stop playing the “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” game and start living our lives. We need to seek forgiveness, atone, make reparations, and move on or life will certainly move on without us.

Don’t get me wrong here – I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take stock of where we’ve been. If we do look back from time to time I think that we should only do so with the intent of learning something from our experiences, not for providing evidence of our failures and wrongdoings. To focus exclusively on our missteps and past grievances surely contributes to a pervasive sense of shame and doubt. And why waste time focusing on something that has already happened and cannot be changed? If we expended more energy thinking about potential and possibilities, we may find ourselves feeling enervated, motivated, and hopeful about the future. This brings me to Pregret.

Pregret is a term I like to think I coined, but a Google search from some time ago revealed that it was floating out there on the internet in places. Maybe I can distinguish what I mean by pregret by my unique application of the term. When I say Pregret I’m referring to pre-emptive regret. In other words regret for something that hasn’t happened. Are you following me? No, I’m not making a case for our innate ability to foretell the future or to time travel, although that would be pretty cool. In practice I occasionally get clients to think about the people in their lives that truly matter – all the people with whom they share a connection, people who are kind, who treat them with respect – basically anyone who cares about them in some significant way. I then ask them to imagine if these special people were no longer here. Yeah, it’s a morbid thought, but it’s designed to be a thought exercise because my next question is this:

“Would you have any regrets?”

If the answer to that question is “Yes”, then we’re talking about pregret. Now the wonderful thing about pregret is that it concerns feeling regret about something that hasn’t happened yet, so the wonderful thing is that you have the opportunity to take action and do something about it. For instance, someone might have regrets about not spending as much time with the person in question, or calling them, or telling them certain things. Well then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! What are you waiting for - the time is now! So think about it….do you have any pregrets???

Dr. Jonathan Anslow is a licensed psychologist with Southeast Psych who practices at our Blakeney office.  He works primarily with adolescents and adults.

Asperger's Conference 2010

Southeast Psych, together with Thompson Child and Family Focus and The Epiphany School, announces our first annual Asperger's Conference this Thursday, May 20th, from 9am until 1pm.  The conference will be on the campus of Thompson Child and Family Focus and registration is only $40 per person.  


Dr. Frank Gaskill, who is well-known in the Charlotte area and beyond for his work with children with Asperger's is the keynote speaker, followed by Dr. Craig Pohlman, the director of Mind Matters at Southeast Psych and the author or co-author of three books, including How Can My Kid Succeed in School?  


In the afternoon sessions, you will have a choice of "Marriage and Asperger's" given by Dr. Jonathan Feather and Josh Jensen or "Super Social Skills" given by Mary B. Moore.  


It's a great line-up of excellent presenters with great content.  We already have more than 100 people registered and there is still time to get on board.  If you are interested, please click here to send Patsy your information or call her directly at 704-552-0116.  We hope to see you there.

10 Ways to Protect Yourself From Danger

by Dr. Barrie Morganstein

We know that the world can be a scary place, but we still need to live in it.  With a few smart behaviors, we can increase our personal safety.  Below is a list of ten smart safety tips that everyone should use.

1.    Don’t look vulnerable (e.g., stay off your cell phone, don’t hold your purse loosely, etc.)

2.    Identify potential dangers (e.g., people trying to distract you, ask for directions, ask for help, etc.) 

3.    Avoid dangerous locations (e.g., avoid empty parking garages, isolated locations, etc.)

4.    Be aware of your surroundings (e.g., check out people around you, identify areas that people can hide, look for escape routes, etc.)

5.    Don’t make assumptions that people are safe because they look “nice”

6.    Don’t tempt fate (i.e., why shop and run errands at night when you can do this in daylight?)

7.    Avoid going out alone (there is safety in numbers)

8.    Know the “tricks of the trade” that predators use (e.g., offering to help you so you feel indebted to “help” them, making unsolicited promises – “I’m a good guy”, “I won’t hurt you”, etc.)

9.    If  you carry a protection tool (e.g., pepper spray, a club, taser, etc.) make sure you know how to use it properly (don’t become your own victim)

10.Don’t be afraid of hurting someone’s feelings; if they look “sketchy” or make you feel uncomfortable, roll up your windows, lock your door, or cross to the other side of the street; hurting a stranger’s feelings is a small price to pay for your safety.

Dr. Barrie Morganstein is a psychologist at Southeast Psych who sees clients of all ages.

Ten Great Ways to Manage Stress

by Dr. Barrie Morganstein

Keeping yourself from stressing out in the first place is probably the best tactic. However, if you have already arrived at that stressful place, here is a list of ten techniques that you can use to bring yourself back to nirvana (or at least your living room).

1. Breathing exercises (i.e., slow rhythmic breathing can lower your blood pressure and heart rate)

2. Visualization/Guided imagery (positive thoughts such as acing an interview or relaxing on the beach can make you feel more positive and even help you achieve goals)

3. Meditation (frequently involving deep breathing combined with visualization)

4. Exercise (the endorphins that you create while exercising are natural stress relievers)

5. Progressive muscle relaxation (a combination of visualization and body awareness, this can create physical as well as mental relaxation)

6. Listen to music (music can slow your breathing, pulse, and heart rate as well as bring about a natural calm)

7. Biofeedback (using a simple electronic device, it is possible to use your body to relax your mind and vice versa)

8. Yoga (also known as “moving mediation”, can bring about mental and physical relaxation)

9. Make a To Do list (having a list can not only get your duties out of your head and on to paper, but checking them off as you go feels pretty good)

10. Pets (snuggling with cute warm fuzzies can make anyone feel better instantly)

Dr. Barrie Morganstein is a licensed psychologist at Southeast Psych in Charlotte.  She sees clients of all ages.

How Can I Succeed at College?

Southeast Psych is thrilled to let you know about an upcoming half-day workshop for students who are serious about their college success.  Parents and other family members are also invited.


It will be Sunday afternoon, April 25th from 1-5:30pm at the Charlotte Marriott Southpark in Charlotte, NC.  The featured speakers will be Dr. Craig Pohlman, author of How Can My Kid Succeed in School? and Dr. Dave Verhaagen, author of Parenting the Millennial Generation.  Between the two of them, they have authored or co-authored nine books and have been featured in several national publications.


Dr. Pohlman and Dr. Verhaagen will cover such topics as:


* Individualized study strategies for college


* Effective time management skills


* Achieving work-fun balance


* Avoiding the common college pitfalls


* Connecting with your passions in selecting a major and a career


If you know a high school junior or senior or a current college student who wants to truly succeed in college, please let them know about this exciting workshop.


To register, please call Patsy at 704-552-0116 or go to the seminar's registration page.  

All the Brain News That's Fit to Print

by Craig Pohlman, Ph.D., Director of Mind Matters at Southeast Psych 

For anyone with an interest in education, learning, and building success for all students, I highly recommend the new book, The New Science of Teaching and Learning, by Tracey Tokuhama-Espinosa. Tracey is a pioneer in the fledgling field of Mind, Brain, and Education Science. In 2008 she convened 26 learning experts to sort the facts from the myths about the brain and learning. Astonishingly, this esteemed group concluded that just a handful of ideas about the brain and learning are actually well-supported by research. The rest are “neuromyths.”

In her book Tracy describes the “facts,” including that human brains are as unique as faces in terms of organization and that brains are dynamic and constantly changed by experience. In other words, each morning we wake with a different brain than the one we had when we went to bed.

Some of the “neuromyths” include that water is brain food (just because the human body is composed of a large amount of water doesn’t mean that chugging agua boosts learning) and that right-brained learners are more creative (the whole right- vs. left-brained thing hasn’t fared so well in the research).

Not only does this book have great content, but it is also a great read. Tracey takes all of this important information and crafts a compelling argument about how we should use science to make better decisions about teaching and learning.

Tracey is a Professor of Education at the Universidad San Francisco de Quito in Ecuador where she directs the Brain, Mind and Educational Development Institute and the Evaluation and Academic Excellence Center. She is also polyglot who is rearing her children to speak multiple languages.

Bottom line- cool book by a cool author.

Craig Pohlman is the author of How Can My Kid Succeed in School? and Revealing Minds, and co-author of Schools for All Kinds of Minds.

Is Your Student Ready for College?

by Dave Verhaagen, Ph.D., ABPP

What are the chances your high school senior will make it through her freshman year of college?  Kostas Andrea Fanti found that only half of incoming college freshman earn a degree in five years and, of the remaining half, a full 37% drop out entirely.  Most of the studies find that about 1 out of 3 don't return to their school after their first year.  In other words, a lot of students are at risk for not making it through their freshman year.  By the way, this trend has been going on for decades.  In a study of nearly 58,000 students back in the early 1920's, the author found that 32% of college freshman don't make it past their first year.

So who is at risk for dropping out?  Here's a partial list of some of the patterns that put a student at greater risk:

* Students who have had to be externally motivated and excessively structured by parents and teachers.

* Students who manage their time very poorly, especially with school-related work.

* Students with ADHD who do not manage their condition well (i.e., forget their medicine, don't keep their materials organized, procrastinate, etc.).

* Students who are prone to depression or anxiety in a way that makes them isolate themselves from others, get easily overwhelmed, or turn to self-medicating.

* Students who use substances regularly and/or drink heavily, especially if their use has already caused them to get in trouble or underachieve academically.

For these students, it is often important to seek out professional support or consultation before they go off to school.  Once there, they will often need support services at their university that can be accessed through the counseling center, the learning support center, or the office for students with disabilities.  It's almost always better to be proactive and set up supports ahead of time.

Dave Verhaagen is a licensed psychologist who specializes in working with older high school and college students.