Are You Living with "Pregret"?

by Dr. Jonathan Anslow

Some might figure that, as a psychologist, it’s part of my job to validate the whole spectrum of emotional experience for people. I guess in a way I agree with that, but only to a point. While we all struggle with a whole slew of emotional states, both positive and negatively charged, some of them are simply unworthy of validation. In particular, I think regret is an utterly useless emotion – a waste of one’s emotional energy. Such a fixation on woeful events chains us to our past and prevents us from moving on. We need to learn to stop playing the “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” game and start living our lives. We need to seek forgiveness, atone, make reparations, and move on or life will certainly move on without us.

Don’t get me wrong here – I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take stock of where we’ve been. If we do look back from time to time I think that we should only do so with the intent of learning something from our experiences, not for providing evidence of our failures and wrongdoings. To focus exclusively on our missteps and past grievances surely contributes to a pervasive sense of shame and doubt. And why waste time focusing on something that has already happened and cannot be changed? If we expended more energy thinking about potential and possibilities, we may find ourselves feeling enervated, motivated, and hopeful about the future. This brings me to Pregret.

Pregret is a term I like to think I coined, but a Google search from some time ago revealed that it was floating out there on the internet in places. Maybe I can distinguish what I mean by pregret by my unique application of the term. When I say Pregret I’m referring to pre-emptive regret. In other words regret for something that hasn’t happened. Are you following me? No, I’m not making a case for our innate ability to foretell the future or to time travel, although that would be pretty cool. In practice I occasionally get clients to think about the people in their lives that truly matter – all the people with whom they share a connection, people who are kind, who treat them with respect – basically anyone who cares about them in some significant way. I then ask them to imagine if these special people were no longer here. Yeah, it’s a morbid thought, but it’s designed to be a thought exercise because my next question is this:

“Would you have any regrets?”

If the answer to that question is “Yes”, then we’re talking about pregret. Now the wonderful thing about pregret is that it concerns feeling regret about something that hasn’t happened yet, so the wonderful thing is that you have the opportunity to take action and do something about it. For instance, someone might have regrets about not spending as much time with the person in question, or calling them, or telling them certain things. Well then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! What are you waiting for - the time is now! So think about it….do you have any pregrets???

Dr. Jonathan Anslow is a licensed psychologist with Southeast Psych who practices at our Blakeney office.  He works primarily with adolescents and adults.

How Parents Can Help a Teen Through a Loss

by Nyaka Niilampti

Many young people have had limited experiences with death. Typically it comes in the form of the loss of a grandparent or an older family member. Less frequently, it comes in the form of the loss of a peer, which often results in complicated emotions for both teens and their parents.

The loss of a friend, classmate, or peer can result in a loss of the sense of safety for young people. Despite what we know about the stages of grieving, the processing of grief is a highly individual experience, and each child or teen will deal with it in his or her own way.

There are a number of common reactions to loss including sadness, panic and anxiety, a fear of death, denial, guilt, shame, anger, poor concentration and confusion. There are also a number of ways parents can offer assistance following a loss. Here are a few suggestions for how parents can help:

Be available. It is common to be uncomfortable talking about death or loss. Even with that discomfort, make sure that your child is aware that you will be open to that conversation. Letting them know that you are available for questions, conversations, or simply silence will be encouraging. Some children will need to process their grief by talking, while others process their grief differently. Send a note, or write a card, both right after the event as well as after some time has passed to let them know the option is still open. Communicating your availability will help them be more comfortable approaching you when that time comes.

Encourage them to communicate with their friends. Some adolescents may be uncomfortable reaching out to adults. Communication with peers and friends may provide an additional and necessary support, particularly those in the same community and teens may be more able to share their emotions with peers than with adults.

Listen. Allow them to tell their stories, including their favorite memories of that person. Use open questions or prompt them with, “Tell me about…” Ask what they would like to remember most about the person they have lost.

Create a ritual. A memorial service is an important ritual that helps families and individuals grieve a loss. There can be other, less formal rituals that help young people grieve the loss. Encourage and allow them to participate in rituals or find their own way to say goodbye. This may include doing something individually or with a group.

Be supportive and patient. Don’t try to “fix” the situation or offer reassurance that this will not happen again. Talk openly and honestly with them, then validate their experience. Encourage them to share their feelings, but don’t push them. If you have had similar experiences, share those; however, keep in mind that even with similar experiences, it is impossible to know exactly how they may feel. Let them know there is no “right way” to grieve the loss, and that the difficulty they may be experiencing is normal. Encourage them to be patient with themselves and to take time to heal.

Keep an eye out for drastic changes. Significant changes in behavior patterns, eating, or sleeping, may be indicators that they are not coping well with the loss, and may be in need of additional support.

Encourage self care. While it may seem simple, encourage them to do the necessary daily tasks and activities. Eating and sleeping on as much of a “normal” schedule as possible will help them feel more secure.

With time and support, most children and teens will cope with and process the death of a classmate or peer and resume their regular activities. However, be open to the possibility that your child may need additional support to help them process this loss. If you notice they are not able to cope with their daily activities, isolating themselves from friends and family, or other significant noticeable changes, suggest that they speak with a professional as a means of gaining additional support.

Editor's Note: Nyaka Niilampti is a psychologist at Southeast Psych in Charlotte. She has a Ph.D. from Temple University, a master's in sports psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill, and a bachelor's degree from Princeton. Before coming to Southeast Psych, she has worked in university counseling centers, secondary schools, and community mental health centers.