How Parents Can Help a Teen Through a Loss

by Nyaka Niilampti

Many young people have had limited experiences with death. Typically it comes in the form of the loss of a grandparent or an older family member. Less frequently, it comes in the form of the loss of a peer, which often results in complicated emotions for both teens and their parents.

The loss of a friend, classmate, or peer can result in a loss of the sense of safety for young people. Despite what we know about the stages of grieving, the processing of grief is a highly individual experience, and each child or teen will deal with it in his or her own way.

There are a number of common reactions to loss including sadness, panic and anxiety, a fear of death, denial, guilt, shame, anger, poor concentration and confusion. There are also a number of ways parents can offer assistance following a loss. Here are a few suggestions for how parents can help:

Be available. It is common to be uncomfortable talking about death or loss. Even with that discomfort, make sure that your child is aware that you will be open to that conversation. Letting them know that you are available for questions, conversations, or simply silence will be encouraging. Some children will need to process their grief by talking, while others process their grief differently. Send a note, or write a card, both right after the event as well as after some time has passed to let them know the option is still open. Communicating your availability will help them be more comfortable approaching you when that time comes.

Encourage them to communicate with their friends. Some adolescents may be uncomfortable reaching out to adults. Communication with peers and friends may provide an additional and necessary support, particularly those in the same community and teens may be more able to share their emotions with peers than with adults.

Listen. Allow them to tell their stories, including their favorite memories of that person. Use open questions or prompt them with, “Tell me about…” Ask what they would like to remember most about the person they have lost.

Create a ritual. A memorial service is an important ritual that helps families and individuals grieve a loss. There can be other, less formal rituals that help young people grieve the loss. Encourage and allow them to participate in rituals or find their own way to say goodbye. This may include doing something individually or with a group.

Be supportive and patient. Don’t try to “fix” the situation or offer reassurance that this will not happen again. Talk openly and honestly with them, then validate their experience. Encourage them to share their feelings, but don’t push them. If you have had similar experiences, share those; however, keep in mind that even with similar experiences, it is impossible to know exactly how they may feel. Let them know there is no “right way” to grieve the loss, and that the difficulty they may be experiencing is normal. Encourage them to be patient with themselves and to take time to heal.

Keep an eye out for drastic changes. Significant changes in behavior patterns, eating, or sleeping, may be indicators that they are not coping well with the loss, and may be in need of additional support.

Encourage self care. While it may seem simple, encourage them to do the necessary daily tasks and activities. Eating and sleeping on as much of a “normal” schedule as possible will help them feel more secure.

With time and support, most children and teens will cope with and process the death of a classmate or peer and resume their regular activities. However, be open to the possibility that your child may need additional support to help them process this loss. If you notice they are not able to cope with their daily activities, isolating themselves from friends and family, or other significant noticeable changes, suggest that they speak with a professional as a means of gaining additional support.

Editor's Note: Nyaka Niilampti is a psychologist at Southeast Psych in Charlotte. She has a Ph.D. from Temple University, a master's in sports psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill, and a bachelor's degree from Princeton. Before coming to Southeast Psych, she has worked in university counseling centers, secondary schools, and community mental health centers.

The Truth (So Far) About Facebook

There are lots of opinions out there about whether Facebook is good or bad for things like relationships, grades, and productivity. Since there isn't a ton of good research yet, we don't know all the answers, but the results are mixed. Here's what the studies say so far:

* Facebook usage contributes to jealousy in relationships. When young adults spend more time on Facebook, they tend to get more jealous in their romantic relationships. The more jealous they get, the more time they spend searching for other information about their partner that fuels their jealousy and puts them into a negative cycle.

* Facebook users tend to be more willing to engage in face-to-face interactions and relationships rather than less, which challenges the notion that Facebook and similar online social networking sites cause people to be less social in their real-world interactions.

* There is no strong evidence that Facebook use negatively affects academic achievement in high school and college students. A pilot study had suggested this, but bigger studies have shown no negative impact on grades for the vast majority of students.

* There is evidence that a person's level of narcissism can be predicted by their Facebook profiles. Those who were more narcissistic tend to have more glamourous, self-promoting profile pictures and far more social contacts or "friends" than those who were less narcissistic. There is no evidence that Facebook users as a whole were more narcissistic than average, however.

* Facebook has become part of the "social glue" that helps incoming freshman settle into college and build campus relationships. It may also decrease the likelihood they will drop courses in their first year.

That's what we know--or think we know--about Facebook and similar sites so far. We'll keep you posted as new research emerges.

Sources:

Sheldon, P. (2008). The relationship between unwillingness-to-communicate and students Facebook use. Journal of Media Psychology: Theories, Methods, and Applications, 20, 67-75.

Mary Ann Liebert, Inc./Genetic Engineering News (2009, August 7). Does Facebook Usage Contribute To Jealousy In Relationships? ScienceDaily. Retrieved August 16, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090806112558.htm

Ohio State University (2009, April 14). Facebook Use Linked To Lower Grades In College. ScienceDaily. Retrieved August 16, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090413180538.htm

Northwestern University (2009, May 8). Facebook Use Not Found To Correlate Negatively With College Grades, New Study Shows. ScienceDaily. Retrieved August 16, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090507164403.htm

University of Georgia (2008, September 23). Facebook Profiles Can Be Used To Detect Narcissism. ScienceDaily. Retrieved August 16, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080922135231.htm

University of Leicester (2008, October 14). Facebook Is 'Social Glue' For University Freshmen. ScienceDaily. Retrieved August 16, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081014111056.htm

Preparing Your Freshman for College

by Nyaka Niilampti

All over the country, families are planning their last of the summer vacations; back to school ads will soon bombard your Sunday paper. For most kids—and parents—the return of the school year presents both excitement and new challenges. For those who will be sending students off to college for the first time, emotions may be mixed.

The first year of college presents a number of new opportunities, and with new experiences come new challenges, new fears, and new anxieties. Regardless of which party states that they will feel the greatest relief when cars are unpacked and the goodbye hugs, waves (and for some, tears) ensue, both parties will feel some appropriate degree of anxiety.

There are a number of ways parents can be more proactive in helping psychologically prepare their child for college and aid in the transition and adjustment.

1. Communicate your concerns. Have a conversation about some of the things that you are concerned they will encounter. While the communication should not be with the motivation to inspire fear, don’t be naïve. College will entail both positive and negative experiences. Communication should include concerns about drug and alcohol use, sexual relationships, encountering diversity, and moral challenges. Beginning a conversation with your student about some of these concerns will hopefully open up a dialogue that will prepare them as well as present the opportunity for parents to have some of their fears reduced.

2. Encourage them to be prepared to ask for help. Even the most well adjusted and adaptable student will be thrown for a loop at some point during their first few months, whether with a roommate, in the classroom, or outside of campus. Many of the students who enter college were the stars and highest achievers in high school, and may not have had significant experiences with needing help. With your encouragement, they can learn that asking for assistance is an indicator of growth and maturity, not a sign of weakness.

3. Encourage them to ask for help early. Many students defeat themselves by asking for help when it’s too late, or when they are past the point of more minor intervention and are in “crises mode”. Instructors will be more open if they are approached a month before a major exam or assignment is due; tutoring is more helpful the earlier in the semester you begin; counseling can help you learn to balance before you become so overwhelmed that you begin to skip classes or isolate yourself.

4. Encourage them to use the resources. College is one of the only times that students will have access to so many free (well, included in their tuition payment, room and board) services. Most university campuses have counseling centers, where students have access to free—or mostly free—individual and/or group therapy. There is also the learning and writing center, career services, and disability services. Students can receive tutoring, have papers edited, learn to correctly use APA style, have their resumes critiqued, perfect their interview skills, and gain support for a previous diagnosis such as ADHD or a learning disability.

5. Encourage them to advocate for themselves—don’t do it for them. Two of the developmental tasks of college students are achieving competence and becoming autonomous. Help your college student develop these skills by making suggestions or offering possible strategies. Encourage them to meet with their advisors or professors or to seek out support services themselves before calling the Counseling Center or the Dean of the department for them.

6. Encourage them to become involved—but not too involved. Higher education research shows that social integration contributes to retention. Most institutions have hundreds of campus organizations, including volunteer opportunities. Encourage them to find a group that appeals to them to become involved, but also encourage them to pace themselves. There are always opportunities for involvement, and without a good balance, it’s possible to spend so much time with organizations and involvement that academics are neglected.

7. Encourage them to be open—to new experiences, new groups, new ideas. College is about growing, and what they enjoy in college may be different from activities and peers from high school. There will be opportunities available on a college campus that you may have never thought to become involved in, which go beyond athletics or the traditional sorority or fraternity. Encourage them to find a new activity that they may be even slightly interested in and attend one meeting; they may find that they enjoy it more than they thought or it may not be a good fit. If nothing else, they have been exposed to something new, and may meet new people in the process.

The transition to college can be both exciting and daunting. Be prepared to offer support and encouragement as they make the adjustment. Even though they attended orientation and grabbed almost all of the “important” information, more than likely they have not read much—or any—of it and will need your guidance in pointing them in the right direction.

Editor's Note: Nyaka Niilampti is a psychologist at Southeast Psych in Charlotte. She has a Ph.D. from Temple University, a master's in sports psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill, and a bachelor's degree from Princeton. Before coming to Southeast Psych, she has worked in university counseling centers, secondary schools, and community mental health centers.

Ten Traits of Great Parents

by Dave Verhaagen

In writing my book, Parenting the Millennial Generation, I interviewed excellent parents to find out what separated them from the rest. Some of what I found was expected, but some of it surprised me. Here’s what I found about the really great parents:

1. They Have Vision for Their Child’s Character – they think about the character traits they value—things like honesty or compassion or courage—and they work to instill these qualities in their child.

2. They Parent Each Child Uniquely — they don’t use a one size fits all approach to parenting. They realize that each child has a unique temperament with unique needs and they parent each child accordingly. They don’t follow cookie cutter steps or rigid formulas.

3. They Don’t Parent for an Audience — they don’t make parenting decisions based on what the neighbors—or their parents or other family members—will think, but on what is best for their child.

4. They Trust Their Instincts — they realize that parenting requires making good decisions based on their gut rather than always needing expert or outside opinions.

5. They Have a Warm & Firm Style — they have the great ability to be warmly involved with their children while still keeping good limits and boundaries.

6. They Co-Parent Well — they communicate, collaborate, and share the same parenting values as their spouse or parenting partner.

7. They Keep Short Accounts — they don’t hold grudges or stay resentful with their children. They do their best to deal with a situation and then let it go without holding it over their child’s head.

8. They Think Win-Win — they try to work out solutions to conflicts with their child where everybody wins, especially with older teens who need practice in making their own decisions.

9. They Have Family Rituals and Traditions — they have daily, weekly, and annual rituals and traditions that give the family a sense of stability, predictability, and safety.

10. They Enjoy Their Kids — they work hard to have fun with their children and enjoy their time with them, even when the kids are driving them crazy!

Spock Has Asperger's

Editor's Note: An earlier version of this post by Dr. Frank Gaskill appeared on this blog. It was so popular we had to bring it back for an encore, especially as J.J. Abrams reboot of the Star Trek series has been one of the biggest and best films of the summer season.

by Frank Gaskill

Kirk: Well, Mr. Spock, if we can't disguise you, we'll find some way of explaining you.

Spock: That should prove interesting.

Spock is high on logic, struggles with a limited understanding of social interaction, wears the same blue shirt, and has a highly specialized job as Science Officer on the Enterprise. Many speak of Asperger’s as a disorder, but without it, we would probably not understand gravity (Sir Isaac Newton), have some of our most vivid movie experiences (Tim Burton), or even have the postal service (Benjamin Franklin), just to name a few ways these folks have enhanced our lives. Individuals with Asperger's have already made the world a better place.

While my comments are purely speculative, I think it possible that Asperger’s is our next forward leap in evolution with Spock being the end result. Many of my Aspie clients are capable of things I could never achieve. These amazing kids include a computer graphics animator (age 13), an accomplished concert pianist (age 12), and a state chess champion (age 10). My adult Aspie friends are satellite programmers, physicians, and computer programmers.

With the advent of technology and specialized sciences since the industrial revolution, these gifted and interesting individuals have advanced our society in profound ways. In the past they may have been termed nerds, geeks, or even retarded, but they are increasingly the drivers of our technological future. While highly speculative, you might consider Bill Gates’ role in our lives.

We often seek a name or label for what’s wrong with someone. With the concept of neuro-diversity in mind, I urge us to consider what’s “right” with people first and build toward their strengths rather than focusing on their defects or shortcomings. I think we ought to be elevating and praising some of our "Spocks" rather than disguising or labeling them as disordered. My guess is that it would make the world an even better place.

From Star Trek: The Voyage Home

Gillian: Are you sure you won't change your mind?

Spock: Is there something wrong with the one I have?

Parents and Your Child's Academic Success

Most parents want to help their child be successful in school. However, as a child ages and changes, the ways you help may also change.

During elementary school, a healthy parent-teacher relationship is essential to keep up with how your child is doing academically. Helping with homework and being supportive of their school work on a daily basis is also vital during this period of time.

However, this dynamic changes once a child reaches middle school. Now, kids now have multiple teachers, their interests are evolving, and most notably, they are going through puberty. Obviously, children in puberty undergo massive physical and mental changes becoming more adult-like, but not yet fully mature.

So what's a parents role in helping a middle schooler or high schooler be successful in school? A recent study conducted by Nancy E. Hill PhD, of Harvard University, assessed different styles of parental involvement with middle school children and their academic drive. According to Hill, during the middle school years, “Teens are starting to internalize goals, beliefs, and motivations and [they] use these to make decision. Although they may want to make their own decisions, they need guidance from parents to help provide the link between school and their aspirations for future work.” In other words, young teenagers need to do most of it themselves, but they still need help making the connection between hard work in school and a future payoff.

It is this emphasis on academic achievement and how it relates to potential life goals that seems to have the greatest influence on these maturing students. For many, friends become a higher priority, diminishing one’s focus on homework. From an early adolescent’s perspective, parental involvement in academics can be more or less embarrassing or annoying.

So, as a parent, you may need to be less involved in the your child's day-to-day school performance, but you still have an important role in helping him or her see the important relationship between future aspirations and academic success. If you do it the right way, without being or overbearing, your child is likely to internalize this connection and establish a drive to do well in school.

By: Emma Kate Wright and Mara Ivey

APA Press Release. May 19, 2009. “Tying Education to Future Goals May Boost Grades More Than Helping with Homework, Research Finds.” www.apa.org/releases/eduction-goals.html

Finding Happiness in a Bad Economy

June 21st marked the largest meeting of positive psychologists in history; around 1,500 of these thinkers met in Philadelphia to discuss what can bring happiness into people’s lives in the midst of so many finding themselves unemployed. Often in American culture, people tend to group happiness with professional success and monetary gain. At a time when so many Americans find themselves with little to no income, many are asking themselves whether it is possible to be happy while having less.

Psychologist Ed Diener, thinks so. At a recent meeting of 1500 psychologists in Philadelphia, he stated that, “Many who try to live on less money find they are soon just as happy as they were before.” While it seems that those who struggle daily to make ends meet do report a lower level of happiness, monetary gain has a minimal effect on one’s mood in the long run.

Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology, reports that involvement in various activities, finding one’s purpose in life, and maintaining strong relationships are the key ingredients to happiness. While work is an important factor, the level of one’s income does not play as big a role as people tend to assume when considering an individual’s overall wellbeing.

This theory has been dubbed the “vitamin theory of work.” It states that “work provides structure and emotional experiences such as exercising control, socializing, and helping others, that make people feel better about their lives. The amount they are paid is not a key factor.” A few key activities may help you remain happy through times the economic downturns. Put your focus on these three areas:

• Prioritize relationships. Spend extra time with family and/or strengthen existing relationships. Rekindle old friendships. Visit elderly relatives. Relationships have a much higher influence on happiness than monetary income.

• Pick a goal and stick to it. Taking initiative, staying focused on a goal, and reaching success after hard work all bring a feeling of accomplishment which leads to a greater sense of well-being.

• Create fun. Partake in any other activities that have always been enjoyable. It can be reading a book, playing an old favorite board game, going on a run, renting a movie; there are countless fun activities that can be done while paying little to no money.

Financial struggles are a common part of the life cycle. During those times, it is perfectly natural to become unhappy and frustrated. Finding strength in friends and family, while taking time for yourself will help you endure the hard times. Lifestyle changes may be permanent, even when the gloom that comes with economic troubles passes.

(Source: The Philadelphia Inquirer – June 21, 2009 “Psychologist converge on Phila. to study happiness”)

Written by: Mara Ivey, Matthew Laxer, and Emma Kate Wright